I'm typing this with my pup at my feet. I'm not really sure what the outcome will be. I just know I have things to say. Buckle up for... a melodramatic bitch-fest. Stop reading if you don't care it's literally not worth it.
The first draft of this had details and information that would mean nothing to anyone who isn't in my shoes. What I'll describe is more universal: loneliness and fear. I feel trapped like I'm fighting alone as my life passes me by. I'm functionally unable to enjoy the little things due to debt and anxiety. I'm in therapy and starting to get my general anxiety disorder under control, but there's something about tangible issues that medication isn't helping me to grapple with. For example, the medication helps with controlling irrational, spiraling thoughts and letting go of things outside of my control, but I'm unable to let go of hard facts that are making my life more difficult, such as debt, staggering workload, home responsibilities, etc.
In between all this I'm supposed to have a life to live. Regarding fear and loneliness, I fear this impossible circumstance is reality and I'm alone in dealing with it. Cosmic support is a lie, just like the cake.
I keep trying to type solutions, but that's the issue here. I know the solutions: budget, make more money, git gud, or let go. I feel like such a chump these days, like I'm being taken for a ride. I won't go into the details, but everyone has their shit so I hope you feel me and can fill in the blanks. I think the real solution might be to detach, let go, and trust the universe. I've never liked that sentiment. If I had trusted the universe my entire life I'd be homeless. You can't trust the universe from a broken childhood, and my experience tells me wandering souls typically have a safety net. It might be time to trust the universe, though. I'm paying my bills, I have a touch left over each month, so do I just let go? I'm not sure that's an option. The house would fall apart, if I let up on the budget we simply go further into debt, and work is simply at a breaking point at which I'm in the middle. On the other hand, It feels like gripping the bull by the horns only makes things worse because it takes a massive toll on me, which makes everything else more difficult. The issue is I can't tell if things would be even worse if I let go. As in, am I the only thing holding my life together, or will the cosmos pick up the slack? Doubt it. I think I have to keep gripping, but at the same time increase my grip strength, a.k.a. my emotional bandwidth and capacity for stress.
So git gud, huh? Damn.
Here's the issue with getting gud in my scenario: I find it so hard to stick to a routine (I know, crazy, poor me.). "hurr durr just make a schedule" or "hurr durr budget better". Obviously, voices in my head, that's exactly what I try to do. From my perspective, I literally just need to do it better, but what if I'm tapped? All I want to do when I get home from work or when I wake up in the morning is either sleep or die. I think I'm burnt out crispy style. What's the solution? Let go. Can't, makes me way too anxious to let go. Let go thirty minutes a day? Maybe. Therapist might be right on that one. Might be time to get back into Stoicism. I think Marcus might have something to say.
Time to take a walk.