To be'nt, or not to be'nt? that is a question.
What the frick are we supposed to do with our lives? Working doesn't cut it, families are cool I guess, but
is that supposed to be fulfilling enough to satisfy us when we look back? Working only seems worth it if you
can have the money to do the things
you love, but to make enough money to do that these days you have to get a job that takes all your time and
focus. Having a family seems nice, but that's not really you living your life. That's more of you giving
part of your life away, which might give someone purpose, but doesn't really feel like you living
your life.
Time to break out the armchair philosopher tin foil hat.
*ahem* WHAT, MY COUNTRYMEN, MAKES A LIFE WORTH LIVING??
I can tell you what I enjoy, what I think would make a perfect life:
The ability to do exactly what I want, when I want. I often want to travel, uninhibited by a budget or PTO.
Like why the fuck can I not just up and fucking roll out to Scotland on a whim? Why can't I just go get
impaled by a bull in Spain, or overdose in Amsterdam? Besides travel, I fucking love to eat. Why can't I
even afford groceries to cook for myself? Cooking a decent filet of salmon cost sixteen bucks these days,
and that's not including veggies and olive oil. Why wouldn't I just go to a restaurant? I'm going into debt
anyway.
The short and skinny of that last bitch-fest: I can't particularly do what I actually want in life due to
financial restrictions. Dang it.
So if I can't do what I actually want in life, then what do I do? I guess eating and travel are just fun
things to do that cost money. What's free? Exercising is free, but that's not fun at all
lmao. I will
say, I
do love a good walk, and life generally feels good when I do that, so DING DING DING: "take walks" is
on the board. You know what else is free? Coding. And would ya look at that I'm doing it now on my own free
will. Hey, I'm also writing! Omg there's two more things. FUCK YEAH I'M KILLIN' IT. I also like to listen to
and play music. BOOM
BABY. Current list of things to do in life:
Take walks, code for fun, write, and be musically engaged.
Okay, so those are free things to do, but I gotta say I don't really like doing those all the time. There
are plenty of days I don't feel like doing anything, and some days frankly I wish I didn't exist at all.
That might be a separate issue, but I do think the "not wanting to exist" thing is tightly coupled with a
feeling of worthlessness due to not being able to lead the life I truly want to have.
I want to revisit family. Kinda sold family short there at the beginning of this (I don't typically rewrite
because it waters down the arch I develop in my stream of consciousness). When I think of traveling and
eating nice food, I'm never doing it alone. The things I truly want to do I want to do with my wife. I want
to travel with her, dine with her, and I even want to take my walks with her (I often do because I'll call
her while I'm at work or on my walks in the morning as she's driving far far away to her job in neverland).
Maybe instead of traveling and eating nice, I should focus on doing other special things with her, and that
would be something I could be happy with when I look back. Love you baby (she doesn't read this but if she
does HEY BABY).
That was quite the "live, laugh, love" moment there at the end, but it's true. Even as I wrote the part
about family at the beginning I knew I'd have second thoughts. So I guess in conclusion it really does seem
like the stereotypical crap: get some sunshine, do what you like, and spend time with your family. Damn, I
think I forgot that somewhere along the way of getting bogged down with work, finances, and exhaustion.
Capitalism is a bitch. Thank god I can journal about it.